Wednesday, March 27th, 2013

Special Edition

Rich Flood Prepares for His Next Career as “Lord of the Dance”

Reluctant to call his next step “retirement,” Rich Flood insists that he simply needs more time so he can fully assume the role Michael Flatley has held for so many years as the diva-esque lead Celtic dancer: the Lord of the Dance.

Flood anticipates that he will be able to get his colleagues discounted tickets when the Gaelic dance phenomenon comes to the RaueCenter in early 2014.

Richard G. Floodmichael_flatley

Groundhog Sees McArdle’s Shadow, Predicts Eviction

Long desirous of the neighboring building and strip of land between the properties, David McArdle has leveled an eviction action against the resident family of groundhogs (commonly known to some backwater folk as “woodchucks”).  McArdle claims that the groundhogs forced his hand by not paying rent all these years, and despite a groundhog’s relatively short life expectancy, fears that successive generations of groundhogs will claim tacking rights with prior generations and successfully claim adverse possession of the undeveloped land.

Attorney Melissa Cooney, a champion of rodent and various other varmint rights, has agreed to take up the legal defense of the groundhogs pro bono.  When asked about the eviction action, Cooney simply stated “It’s hogwash!”

David W. McArdleGroundhogMelissa J. Cooney

Stewart Moves to Disqualify Clifton from Representing Westfall in Infamous Parking Lot Accident with Chrzanowski

Almost as if it were the set up to a joke, the four ZRM attorneys most involved in traffic violation enforcement were all present during a two-car pile up at the ZRFM street entrance onto Route 14.  T.J. Clifton, who was in a third vehicle, jumped to represent Westfall after claiming to have witnessed Chrzanowki back into Westfall’s vehicle.

Chrzanowski’s attorney, Brad Stewart, has filed a motion to disqualify Clifton on the basis that Clifton will be a material witness in the pending civil action, or what as Stewart described as a “no-no” according to the rules of professional conduct.  When asked about his own status as a witness to the accident Stewart scoffed and said “I didn’t see anything…I was checking a text message on my old Jitterbug flip phone.  But come on, does anyone actually believe that Chrzanowski would have backed into Bill’s [Westfall’s] vehicle?  Try selling that to a jury!”

Brad StewartWilliam C. WestfallTimothy J. CliftonKevin A. Chrzanowski

Move over JT, Martin Davis Is Bringing the ‘Stache Back”

Nostalgic for the look made famous by Magnum PI in the 1980’s, ZRFM Office Manager Marty Davis declared that he would return from his recent vacation with a full-blown set of chops.

Davis could not be reached to answer whether or not he would also bring back Member’s Only apparel.


Crystal Lake Resident Claims That He Has Never Met Ryan Farrell

Lifelong Crystal Lake resident, Joe Smith, shocked the community when, at a social gathering, he claimed to have never met Ryan Farrell.  In fact, Smith went on to proclaim that he had never even heard of Farrell.

Farrell, who was recently listed as a candidate for Best Lawyer on the Best of the Fox ballot—the same ballot that lists his actual law firm as a rival candidate, is generally regarded as a social networking giant in greater McHenry County and a household name of the magnitude only rivaled by State’s Attorney Lou Bianchi.  A recent survey indicates that more Crystal Lake residents believe in Bigfoot (12%) than Smith’s claim of not knowing who Ryan Farrell is (<1%).

Ryan P. Farrell

Starved for Competition, Arévalo Spontaneously Engages His Own Reflection in a Staring Contest

An unsubstantiated tip was reported that attorney Carlos Arévalo was at home over the Easter weekend and became transfixed in a staring contest with his own reflection.

The anonymous source suggested that Arévalo, who has had a string of successful competitive ventures, namely the weight loss contest against Ryan Farrell and the Trivia Night competition, was eager for the next competitive adventure when he stumbled across his own reflection.  If true, Arévalo would have taken staring contests made most famous by the late crooner, Robert Goulet, to a new competitive level. Also, if true, Arevalo might give credence to his self-reported claim to have won a contest with Chuck Norris that resulted in Norris shaving his head.

Carlos S. Arevalo


Golden Domer Secret Legal Society Conspires to Make Manti Te’o a Bear

The local McHenry County Notre Dame Society (a/k/a “the Cult”), out of a desire to see the much-hyped Manti Te’o more frequently in action, the Cult has put together a plan to push through legislation that will not allow any team other than Chicago Bears to draft him.

The Cult is assured that the middle linebacker with extraordinarily mediocre physical talent will be a fruitful addition to the Chicago Bears’ lineup and follow in the footsteps of other supremely average to subpar first round Fightin’ Irish draft picks, such as Brady Quinn and Michel Floyd.  An anonymous Cult insider made the following statement: “I think anyone who pretends to have an exotic long-distance girlfriend should be welcomed in Northern Illinois.”


Anonymous Cult Source

Happy April Fools!